Megis Story, Gods Glory

Who is God really?

You know… In my walk with the Lord for the past 4 and however many month and years (I need to get my exact “ah ha, conversion, encounter with God moment exact date I tell ya), I have spoken with, I have experienced, I have seen and felt a variety of things. And yall wanna know something? They was ALL TRUTH, or if they weren’t- they were learning experiences. I have been REALLY DEEP with God before, like REALLL deep, (maybe a lil too deep know what im sayin), I have felt far from him before, and I have also felt exactly where I need to be with him before.

I know this life is an on-going journey of continued life lessons, which includes that of Faith, but I have felt that at this point in my life, I got a pretty good grasp on what the Faith life is all about- and especially the Faith life that God created for Megi Lea Trahan Moseley, and what I (again, this is my belief), but what I believe HE is doing in rising up the world today. In not really “changing” what the Faith Life is all about, because truth is truth, but maybe changing the way we “teach” and portray what the Faith Life is all about, and what it really means, and even go as far as correct the myths and skewed perceptions. I believe there is a revolutionary shift. And this shift will bring people, in todays times, to seeing God and knowing God for what and who he really is, in a tangible, and real, authentic way.

And with that being said (for Ga Lee Jolly can we think of something else to come up with rather than the phrase “and with that being said” – let me know when yall do) – I still love my beers. I still accidently curse sometimes (I don’t desire to and I work on everyday stopping- and I WILL), and I sometimes just wanna watch reality facade television, or play on social media all day. Do I?!?!? Not always. Have I? I have. Do I believe it’s NOT healthy for me and can I feel the difference when I do compared to when I don’t? Absolutely. But (insert Hannah B’s cute friggin voice here)..JESUS STILL LOVES ME. And I know he does, because I knowhim. And my God is not a “punisher”… he is a LOVER. A full blown, intense, crazy amount, something beyond you can even fathom kind of lover. And so with that (also needs another line)- he wants ALL of us. He wants that Megi that likes to have a few cold beers after she mows her grass on Sunday’s (yes, my husband doesn’t ever wanna let me but yes I enjoy the crap out of mowing- therapeutic ya earddd).. He wants that Megi that probably, no not probably, does have an unhealthy obsession with reality tv, and he wants that Megi that slips up with cursing sometimes. And y’all wanna know why he wants all of that Megi? Because HE, himself, makes those part of Megi that are weak, pure. And THAT, my friends… is what the Faith Life is all about!

I think as a culture we might have a mis-perceived notion of what God is, what he does, what he wants, and just what the Faith Life is all about. We have been taught that you go to Mass on Sunday- and you try to remember how to be a good person on Sunday, but by the time Monday or Tuesday comes, and your co-workers are hard to deal with, and you and your husband got in an argument, and you have so much overwhelming LIFE on your plate, that all Heaven breaks loose and now we are back forgetting everything we learned in Mass on Sunday and just being exactly the Megi we want to be, because its “easier”. The beer drinking Megi (because it’s been a long couple days, the let me turn off my brain to watch reality tv Megi, because it’s “hard” being “perfect”, the cursing Megi, because, well frankly, it just feels good to let it out. Can I share a secret with yall?

Psssstttt THIS is when we need to go to him MOST. This is when in your “own” strength you cannot do it, but in HIM, you can. This is when he is not here to “punish” you, he is here to LOVE you. And boy does my homeboy DELIGHT in us when we come to him in these times !!!!!

You see, before I encountered the true and LIVING God, and his LOVE for me, I thought like the culture did. I believed in God because, well, my Momma and Daddy told me to. It’s just the “right” thing to do. I went to church on Sunday’s (check that off the box when I get to Heaven, God). And I tried my hardest to be a “good” person… but a “good” person to me, was being nice to people (lolllzzzz).

-I still was racist.
-I still was prideful.
-I still knew that I struggled with things inside my heart, but as long as I was going to church on Sunday’s and being “nice” to people- I was okay.
-I still judged, and I still truthfully thought my ways, and my town, or state, or country for that matter were right and lived the way we as humans are supposed to live, and other people that were living differently than ME, were weird.
-I still drank every weekend not with the intent to socialize and hang out with friends- but to get hammered and I guess to just “feel free” for one night.

So, did I really believe in him? Did I really know him?

Or was I “believing” because I’m telling myself I believe. And did I really know HIM, or did I know the “idea” of him.

The Faith Life is not “saying” you believe in God. It’s “knowing” you believe in God. It’s letting him change your heart from the inside out. It’s letting him live INSIDE of you and having a friend in Jesus. It’s re-programming your mind to think like him. To see like him. To love like him. To have faith like him.

It’s not seeing race, or color, and stereotyping them. It’s loving them (the way Jesus does). It’s not sinning everyday and having weaknesses but never looking within because you can go to church on Sunday and you “okay”- it’s doing “inner work” to fix these struggles, or weaknesses, or temptations- whatever your sin may be (the way Jesus does). It’s not judging, or seeing people that may be or live a little “different” than you as weird or a wrong way of living- but it’s loving them, seeing what you can learn from them, and knowing it’s the simple fact that it’s not right, or wrong, it’s simply DIFFERENT than you and that’s what makes the world go round (the way Jesus does). And it’s not drinking every weekend to get hammered to forget about life for a little while- it’s having a few beers with some friends to talk about life and kids and have heart filled conversations to take the load off of maybe a little stressful week (the way Jesus does- wellll, we might be pushing it here- but yall get my drift).

It’s not about what you do in life. It’s about what is the intention that’s behind it that really matters.

God is a LIVING God who is still EVERYWHERE and he wants you to have a real and personal relationship with him not to punish you, or tell you how to live, but because he LOVES you, and he wants YOU to be the best person you could possibly be and enjoy life to the fullest. He works in collobaration WITH you, to work through your sin, to see like him, to love like him, to act like him, which in turn brings YOU your absolute best, most authentic self, which ultimately makes YOU the happiest. It’s all for you my dear friends, Period. This is how much he loves you. This is what God is. This is what he does. This is what he wants. And this, is what the Faith Life is all about.

WAY TOO MUCH LOVE FOR YALL, and this is why I write


John 10:10B “I came so that they might have life and have it more abundantly.”

It’s okay to not be okay

Life huh?!?!?!? Isn’t it beautiful and challenging and rewarding and frustrating all rolled up into one?? You know … In my past- I would have never been ever able to say that- and say it with such confidence that it’s OKAY that it’s all of those things. Why must you ask? Because I was so afraid that if I said Life was challenging, or frustrating, or ANY negative feeling of that matter that that meant I was not happy. And boy did that just scare the heck out of me!!! Like WHAT?!?! People, or even myself, thinking I’m not happy …. That I’m not okay…that I might be sad??? No way Jose!!! Not me! I’m always smiling, I’m always uppity, I’m always in a good mood. So no, yeah, just no- they aren’t going to think I’m not happy- and I won’t let them think that. WHERE ON EARTH DOES THIS STEM FROM?!?!?!

You know…. In my walk of life- I have had tremendous amount of healing and I feel so blessed that I did. And in the healing process I’ve learned that we all have “stuff”. Let’s face it guys- whether you want to admit it or not, we have baggage. We have insecurities. We have been hurt in life and once we’ve been hurt- it’s what I’ve learned to believe that this definition is called a “wound”. Our little tender hearts have been “wounded”. And whether it’s ya momma and dem, ya brother, ya sister, ya teacher, ya friend that hurt you by either saying or doing something (UNINTENTIONALLY) …. the simple reality is that we FELT it. And we didn’t just feel it- we let the sting and the pain of that hurt gone to the extent of sub-consciously letting our little tender ole heart believe that whatever was said or done (the lie) is actual truth. And so we go on about our lives reacting from this “wound” and WONDERING why we have insecurities?!?!? (myself included) Well hellerrrrrr, my dear friends, you are BELIEVING a complete lie. And I’m here to tell you the truth that you are LOVED, you are WORTHY, and you are CHERISHED. For being exactly the way God created you. So STOP believing that LIE.

Did I lose you here?!? I tend to do that- I tell my friends I start conversations going from A to B then end up in Z and then skkkerrrtttt she’s back to D. Whoah wait a minute naw. So let me give you a tangible example of my life here of what I was previously talking about:

WOUND/INSECURITY: You aren’t happy.
Lie: If you aren’t in a good mood and in good spirits all the time- you aren’t happy. And people will know that.
Truth: Emotions are emotions and you will have both positive and negative emotions. This does not define your happiness.

How pitiful right?? I look at that and think to myself- what a sad sad girl and what a sad sad HIDDEN lie that this little tender hearted girl BELIEVED…..

I look back on the year of 2018… And “logically” it wasn’t the most “joyous” year of my life. Were there joyous moments?? Of course. I was back with my family and friends from being away for so long… I got engaged…I got married… All of these big life events brought me joy- but there was TONS of adjusting back to the real world, adjusting back to relationships that were now a little different, adjusting back to ME feeling like a NEW me … And y’all let me just tell y’all- that was challenging, and that was frustrating, and it wasn’t easy. But you know what? There was not for one moment I didn’t believe I wasn’t happy. Because through GODS GRACE and the POWER OF HEALING … the lie had been REPLACED with the truth and deep down inside of my little tender hearted heart… it believed that truth.

The truth is is that emotions are just emotions. It is okay to have a bad day. It is okay to feel sad. It is okay to feel joyous. It is okay to feel even angry (this must not be acted out and taken within to see where it stems from)… But y’all- they are just feelings. They are just emotions. We are hard-wired with them, and it’s silly to even for one second believe that because you aren’t in the best of spirits- you are un-happy. You are human, that’s what you are. Life is one big journey full of hills and valleys- and we got to sing “It’s a great day to be aliiiive” (in my Travis Tritt voice) when we on top of the hill… And when we in the valley- we must simply ask God, “What are you trying to teach me here? (Because it’s not a defeat when he’s making you suffer in order to GROW)

I didn’t feel okay last year more times than not- but at the end of every single day I was CONTENT. Because I KNEW– that I was just on this little wee journey of life, full of hills and valleys, and some days I was singing as loud as can be, windows rolled down, acting like THE Travis Tritt himself, and if I wasn’t .. I was simply just (in my Kane Browns voice-if ya hadn’t heard go check it out) LEARNING.

You see- my definition of happiness has changed now. HAPPINESS IS CONTENTMENT. Living life everyday, day by day, at the end of the day, with your soul at REST and PEACE knowing that it is just simply the God-given truth that we are ALL on this journey of this thing called “life” either SINGING AND DANCING or GROWING AND LEARNING. It’s that simple; don’t make it too complicated. Because even if you feel you’re not okay… it’s okay.. Because you are truthfully, okay.


Romans 5: 3-5 “Not only that, but we even boast of our afflictions, knowing that affliction produces endurance, and endurance, proven character, and proven character, hope, and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us”


Well well well here we are again, just writing along- wanna know why?!?! Because I feel CALLED to- so blame it on Jesus- but I must say- I LOVE it! Of course I do though, if Jesus formed us with a purpose and a plan for our lives- and he calls us to do it- the purpose and the plan that he created IN us- is gonna make us the most happiest. So- my PASSION is my purpose – the things that make me the happiest and bring me the most joy and fills up my soul is the things that I’m most PASSIONate about.. But that’s all because it’s my PURPOSE on earth, ya dig? Passion to purpose, purpose to passion 101. Holla- another day another blog for that topic.

So here goes: speaking of passion and purpose- I have the same routine just about every morning- I wake up around 7 am- make my breakfast and coffee, then go outside for my personal prayer time- there is something about sitting in stillness and quietness with the Lord OUTDOORS. Even in this crazy HAWTNESS I’m still like yeahhhh I feel ya Jesus, just sweating it up outside here for you my boy! Haha joke long, it’s really for ME. Anyways so I love being outside – this morning- I woke up early at about 6 am and was like I’m just gonna get up and start my day early and so I did, same normal routine. It was exuberating (y’all know I make up my own words) but like y’all, it was somewhat still dark and there was just a different presence, AND I got to hear the roosters crowing. LOL killing myself laughing right now but that’s another thing that excites me-the dang roosters in the mornings! I just love mornings in general! Okay carry on Megi- but yeah so it took me back. To where y’all think? Africa, duh. I would sit out there in the mornings and it was so crisp and I would hear them roostas going to TOWN- and I loved it then just as much as I love it now. I think it’s often good to reflect on the past guys, ESP when it’s GOOD past … All while I’m sitting here outside listening to my roosters, sitting in stillness, my OCEANS song came on- go google dat if y’all ain’t heard of it- by Hillsong United- this song is super SIGNIFICANT to me and was the song that was playing in Mexico on my first mission trip that lead me to be “baptized in the Holy Spirit”… I won’t get all theologian in y’all because I don’t even know enough information myself ha, but that was basically when my life changed forever. I’m listening to these words that was repetitively being played also then …

“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders,
Let me walk upon the waters,
Wherever you would call me,
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander,
And my faith will be made stronger,
In the presence of my savior”

Whoah. Can I get a whoah. If this is not what God had me do?!?!? My trust is WITHOUT borders. Walk upon the WATERS. WHEREVER ( all the friggin way to Africa) you would call me. Take me DEEPER (Ohhh but he took me DEEP alright )than my feet could ever wander …. I meaaaan. I just was sitting there, by this time, telling them roosters to SHUT UP because I was having a moment here- and just like Wow, God. You are so stinking good to me. So stinking good. You knew exactly what you was doing. Exactly. I don’t want to sound like a broken record here always talking about how dang good God is (but I prob will -sandlot voice), because HE IS! BUT the moral of the blog is that if I HAD NOT SAID YES – I would not have the life that I am living now. I would have STRAIGHT up missed out on what was ALL on the other side of my yes. Even though my story may be a little different because I honestly didn’t know what my yes was at the time (God just had given me no choice really lol- thank you bruh- no but really, THANK YOU) … YOU still can find your YES and you can CHOOSE your YES.

Your yes might not mean to Jesus. Your yes might mean to YOURSELF (which I believe is still Jesus because he lives inside your heart) muahaha but ayyyy whatever you guys wanna call it. Your yes might mean to improving your health. Your yes might mean to waking up in the morning and not praying but just SITTING there. Your yes might mean to cross fit. Your yes might mean to becoming the best version of yourself and working hard and saying yes to that everyday. Your yes might mean to making it a point to spend more time with your family or friends. Your yes might mean to becoming a stay at home mom when your feeling guilty. My yes was Jesus, which from that- EVERYTHING else followed- but YOU FIND YOUR YES – because your yes my friends, is your happiness. And dang it feels good to be happy. J.R.R. Tolkien says this: “All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.”

Choose joy. Choose love. Choose life. And most importantly choose your yes- because your yes, is all these things.

Peace, love, and Godly juice,


“All I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I have not seen” -Ralph Waldo Emerson


Well since I’ve learned the VALUE in Vulnerability and the beauty in Authenticity – let me just let this blog post flow from the 2 origins of this exact thing. Y’all wanna know something?!?! Life has been H.A.R.D. Plain and simple- hard. Has it been good and beautiful and wonderful in the hard-ness- absolutely. But if you want me to be completely vulnerable and authentic – it ain’t been easy. When I want to openly and completely share why- I feel like there is a million little jumbled things up in my head and heart of the reasons why that it’s hard to pin-point every single thing or exactly why but I want to be able to express as much as I can say and make y’all feel so y’all can also see the beauty in trials and all the things that God has been teaching me through this trying time. 

Have you ever imagined what Heaven was like? I have. I still don’t know because obviously I’ve never been there- but I can tell y’all what I have thought and felt actually over my time with walking with the Lord. To me- it’s just um, PURE BLISS. It’s like the innocence of a child that is able to share its purity 24/7 without no concerns of judgement from others, it’s like the little grandmas on her death bed being totally and completely transparent with all her family members about how much she loves them, it’s the most non-worry 24/7/365, it’s the most peace about every single decision in your life, it’s the most peace about having to NOT have to make a decision, it is the utmost state of mind and heart of pure love, pure joy, pure compassion, pure peace, like flying everyday on a cloud and having the heart and mind of Jesus- looking at people and not seeing their flaws and being angry, but only seeing their brokenness that is causing their flaws and having pure compassion, and imagine it’s not just YOU that can see and feel like that- but everyone around you is seeing and feeling like that. I don’t know about y’all- but EY YI YI WHAT A LIFE. 

Let me just tell y’all- this is basically what I felt like for a straight year while I was in missions. The very person that opened up FMC 30 years ago (the organization I did missionary work with) still says to this day “This is Heaven on earth”. And now … I can confidently say I know exactly what he means now. 

I challenge y’all to sit and really soak this in- for a whole year of y’all lives- y’all didn’t have ANY distractions, y’all didn’t have any social media to compare lives to (so silly that sub-consciously we do it not even meaning to), y’all didn’t have bills to worry about, y’all didn’t have the demands of life by going to work everyday because you have a car and house note and people to support. You had you, yourself, and God-rene (instead of Irene y’all get it hahaha) … You can just BE and whatever the day brought you were able to embrace. Whether that meant going to lunch with a stranger that you met at church because God sent them to you, or going listen to an older lady talk about her life and love and share in her joy of that, or getting to love up on a newborn baby that the parents had left at birth. Just IMAGINE that for a moment y’all. Soak that all in- I don’t know about y’all- but that is my version of LIVING. Some of you might be reading and thinking hmm not sure if I could do that- but I can promise you- you could- God created every single one of us not to be served, but to serve, and even if you think giving to yourself and serving yourself makes you happy- it can temporarily, and it does feel good in that moment, and maybe moments for a while, I would love to be floating on the river in my brand new party barge right MEOW haha and would it make me happy? Absolutely- but as Mother Theresa says- “You have never really lived until you have done something for someone who can never repay you.”……. That kind of serving is ETERNAL happiness, and not even minut-ely close in comparison to me floating on the river in my brand spanking new party barge. 

While living in America, or any modernized country let’s say, is super beautiful- and I LOVE where I’m from- but the demands of life in living in a busy, fast-paced, money driven, social-media/technology culture, makes it very challenging to sustain what I just explained to you as “Heaven on earth”. And that my friends, is what has been a good old BIG and HARD time adjusting to life here. I yearn for being able to meet someone in the street and just stop and pray with them but instead I might be working to get a paycheck to cover bills and miss that opportunity- that’s just the unfortunate-ness and reality of living in the culture I live in. BUT with this being said- as I always say God is SO good and putting people and things in my life that are becoming opening doors to be able to live a “missionary” life here in America. So y’all pray for me! 

So on top of just adjusting from “missionary life” to “the real world”… What God did in my heart in such a SHORT amount of time was drastic and huge- and to come back and feel completely transformed internally, but EVERYTHING that has happen in your life for the last 28 years ranging from dynamics of relationships, to culture, to conversations, etc. … Are all the same… You talk about a funny feeling. Because inside you feel like a new person, but on the outside you are still trying to maneuver (why did I just think of cow poop- that’s manuer, huh?!?) but yeah, you’re trying to MANUEVER what you feeling inside to what you probably used to say in that typical conversation but it’s different for you now and it just sometimes gets real AWK, ha. Even for myself- I have had moments where I was like “Why did I just say that?!?” … It’s a real thing y’all, it’s a real thing. My bestie Morgan the other day compared it to soldiers that have been away at war in another foreign country with another culture knowing no one doing what they doing and then they have to come back and so many things have changed- it’s a real and tough and beautiful battle- but I thought that was a perfect analogy to be able to explain to people who have never experienced missionary life to compare to. So again, y’all prayers are appreciated! 

Okay and if this wasn’t enough- oh yeah- I got ENGAGED in all this mix. Can you say a whole lot of “moving parts” (as Rebecca says) and big adjustments!! How I am SO very excited for this and how I long to be married and start a family (Gods timing and will of course).. But talk about vulnerable. When you start building a real future together and start learning each other a whole lot more and having to have more in-depth conversations … Wowza- can we say vulnerable and authentic. I sometimes want to choke Mikes head off- and I’m pretty sure 99.9% of the time he wants to choke mine haha- but how absolutely beautiful was Gary Thomas when he titled his book “Sacred Marriage What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than happy?” …. How boring would me and Mikes relationship be if we were just 2 perfect people that didn’t have any flaws and we never had to have those hard, in-depth uncomfortable conversations. What would be the point of us getting married?!? I believe God designed marriage to build each other up and make one another the best version of themselves – and let me just tell y’all boy did he know who we both NEEDED. I want to take a moment right now to specifically be real vulnerable and authentic and brag about him to the world- because everyday I still don’t feel like I give him the credit that he deserves. I still ask myself what did I do to deserve this but LITTLE GIRLS, and middle-aged, and single moms that are going through a divorce– I am here to tell you and to hopefully be a hope for you: DO NOT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS THAN GODS BEST FOR YOU!! He is out there, in Gods most perfect timing- and believe that with unexpected faith!! He still opens and closes the door for me everywhere we go, he turns on the light for me without asking if I’m sitting on the porch having a phone date with my bestie Rands and it’s getting dark, he listens to me ramble and cry and talk for hours open hours about just how hard it is to adjust to life here from missions and being in a waiting period for my career and all of the above, he prays with me, yep I said it- he prays with me!!! … and most importantly- when we have to have those hard uncomfortable, conversations – he never gets angry- he always takes them to heart, is open, and makes effort to work on things. He fits the mold- he makes me a better version of myself- and he loves me the way Jesus does (INSERT FAMOUS ARTIST HERE- hint hint his shades are kinda cool)

But yeah VULNERABILITY and AUTHENTICITY. Why are we so scared to share it here?!? I think I know why… The Latin word vulnerable, meaning “to wound”. The definition includes “capable of being wounded” and “open to attack or damage” ….. WELL, OF COURSE- we don’t wanna be vulnerable. Authentic- true to one’s own personality, spirit, or character: is sincere and authentic with no pretensions. WELL OF COURSE we don’t wanna be authentic ….. You know how AT RISK of getting hurt or judged we are when we are these things?!? I don’t know about y’all but it never was fun to feel pain, or it was never fun to feel judged- and that’s just the reality- it never will be. 
You know how much I got judged by going into missions but had to stay true to being vulnerable and authentic. You know how much I could have got hurt by being in missions and being real and raw and forming relationships with the sick and dying with the risk of losing them? You know how much I got judged by being in a relationship with a boy after my past journey? You know how much I could have gotten hurt by letting myself fall in love with that boy? But y’all know what I would have MISSED if I wouldn’t have felt the pain, or wouldn’t have felt the judgment- from being vulnerable and authentic. I would have missed being TRANSFORMED the way I was in missions, I would have missed seeing God do MIRACULOUS things day in and day out, I would have missed seeing the JOY of that old lady on her death bed, and I would have missed being able to experience one of the truest gifts I believe God gives us on earth- having the type of love GOD INTENDED LOVE TO BE. I would take the pain and judgement over and over again, everyday, for the rest of my life- to feel the BEAUTY of the other side. Brene Brown says in her book Darling greatly “Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center, of meaningful human experiences.” She also says, “Connection is why we’re here. We are hard wired to connect with others, it’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives” ….. I don’t know about y’all (say it one more dang time, Megi)… But I feel a whole LOT more connected in every single relationship I have when I’m vulnerable and authentic. Matter of fact, I feel more connected to MYSELF by being able to share to the world my vulnerability and authenticity just from this blog. And I also don’t know about y’all (she done did it again)… But I wanna live my life that I have on this time on earth that gives me purpose and meaning….. Is it perfect? Nerp, never was sups to be, never will be- but is it purposeful and meaningful and beautiful?!? It sho is!! Vulnerability and authenticity. Give it a try- it’s scary it hurts it’s hard but dang, it’s worth it!!!! 

Peace, love, and Godly juice 
Matthew 6:26-27 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat (or drink), or about your body, what you will wear. It not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds in the sky; they do not show or reap, they gather nothing into barns, yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are not YOU more important than they? Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span?” 

HOME, until I meet my real home 

It is with great happiness and sadness that I’m writing this blog/newsletter to update y’all that my missionary life has come to an end, or maybe just a hault? How do we ever know what tomorrow brings, really? We don’t. And there is so much beauty and peace in the un-known, but the trusting! We don’t have to have it all figured out, in fact- Jesus doesn’t want us to have it all figured out. He wants us to take it day by day with his hand in ours, be directed by his path, and be at peace with trusting his plans- whatever they may look like. Speaking of plans- ha! The Lords plans are never ours. Or actually, they are sometimes- but when they’re not- it’s because they are SO much better. The Lord loves us so much that he knows exactly what will fulfill us in this gift of life that we are freely given. And man, what a GIFT this life is when we just give it to him. You see, when I was called into missions- I thought this was it! I thought Wow, finally God. You made yourself SO clear that I finally have what I have been looking for- just an answer to what YOUR will for MY life was. I was so on fire, and going into missions with this mindset of yes! I get to help people- my heart is full… I’m finally living out my purpose! Finally! And although I was living out my calling for this past year- the Lord all along had something MUCH bigger in mind.

Many of y’all know my testimony- and maybe have even kept up with my blogs- so y’all all know the journey of the lifestyle I was living, and even more than that- having relationships that were not love at all. Yes, did I love? Absolutely… But was it the TRUE and real love the way God created love to be? No. God took me all the way to Africa, away from my comfort zones, away from distractions, and he UN-TANGLED everything that I had SO tangled the WRONG way. He revealed the TRUTH of love to me. He revealed the secret to my own heart. He revealed his plans for my life. You see… While he called me for HIS people- he called me for ME. What he accomplished in me, he would have NEVER been able to accomplish here with familiarity, distractions, comforts, etc. So all this time I was helping HIS people, he was helping ME. God knows us better than we know ourselves, and he knows what will fulfill us in this life that he gave to us as a gift. He loves his children so unbelievably much sometimes it’s still hard for me to fathom. I look at what my life was, and then what it was with him- and I honestly don’t know how I lived before. Like I said in one of my first blogs or newsletters, I can’t keep up these days, ha- I was just living, now I am alive. I was just surviving, and people, let me just tell y’all: GOD DOESNT WANT THAT! He wants us to LIVE! And he has good plans for us, better plans that we can muster up ourselves. I am living proof of this TRUTH: the Lords plans were not my own, but FAR better.

As many of you know- shortly after my conversion, God sent me an angel of a man. Many things happen in our relationship due to me being conflicted and having much deeper wounds than I even realized (thank you Jesus for revealing to me).. Which at the end of our relationship I felt God wanted me just to himself. Shortly after that, was when I went on my mission trip and got called to do missions full-time. I can see EXACTLY why he needed me to himself now. As I repeatedly say, he really needed to un-tangle my perceptions of love. I went into missions with him completely erased from my head and my heart- not purposely either, but because I believed he wasn’t the one for me. A month after I arrived in Africa, God put him on my heart. I was very confused but processed and prayed through it all. I talked with spiritual directors and they suggested I surrender him. I surrendered that boy everyday. All this while, I was never speaking a word to him- God was doing SO much in my heart that I didn’t want any other external factors influencing the journey God had me on. The surrendering was getting heavier and heavier, as I was surrendering I was feeling like I wasn’t supposed to be surrendering. It was about a month before we were coming home, I went on a discernment retreat… And God was 100% present (he always is) … And the Lord confirmed multiple things in my heart. From then- I knew I was supposed to be home to kiss and hug my family, and have a conversation with Mike (ps that’s the angel of a man I have been talking about), and if it went peaceful- I knew it was that I was called to pursue our relationship. I have been back home for a month now- and God is SO good and continuously confirming things in my heart, nourishing and protecting our relationship, and letting me live out the truth to love! Please pray for us and our relationship and our discernment towards his will for our lives! Again- plans? Ha! I thought I was going to be a missionary for-ever… But God knows every little hair on our heads, and knows what we need when we need it and how we need it. 

Missions was the BEST year of my life- I am FOREVER indebted to God for this entire year, my teammates/sisters that called me onto holiness (love you Rands and MC), my call to missions and every single thing that that entailed- and especially the organization of Family Missions Company and what they are made of. The things that I have learned in this past year, has built a foundation in my heart that will remain for the rest of my life! And I couldn’t be more thankful!!!!! Please continue to pray for me as I am home now, and still discerning the next step in my life. I am constantly praying for you! And I want to personally, sincerely thank each one of you that are reading this… Your endless support, prayers, generosity, and love was another added HUGE gift to all of the things that God did in my heart- so THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart. Whether you are maybe just a follower reading this, you’ve been praying along the way, you supported me financially, or your even part of my FMC family- I mean it when I say from the bottom of my heart. If I could get my heart to talk- it would right now. Your prayers, love, and support HAVE LITERALLY MEANT THE WORLD TO ME!!!!!!! 

Peace, love, and Godly juice 



As my time here is drawing near to coming home, God has really just put on my heart to continue to make me reflect my whole year this year, and wow what a BLESSED year it was. Just like Lauren Daigle’s “Power to Redeem” song, he took what is, and he made it beautiful. There has been SO SO SO many blessings that it’s very hard to even say I have a favorite one, but hands down the greatest gift this year was FINDING the real Megi. Knowing exactly who I am, who I was created to be, my purpose, loving and accepting that Megi, and then living it out.

Me and my teammates often talk about what people want on this earth, how many people are searching, etc. and it all balls down to one thing: they just want to be known, loved, and understood. But I was really reflecting during my prayer time the other day about my own life. And why if this is so true, what was missing for me? I was blessed enough to grow up where I actually did feel known, loved, and understood for the most part by people. I was very fortunate and never struggled with feeling loved. So what was missing? LIGHTBULBS. It’s not just being known, loved, and understood by OTHER PEOPLE that makes you whole and happy. In my eyes, it’s 3 groups actually. It’s others, it’s God, and it’s YOURSELF. Reflecting back, I NEVER realized how much I truly didn’t know who I was. I thought I did, but I really had no idea. I think we all do this. We live in a life with a fast-paced, result-driven society, and so our identity becomes our relationships, our children, our work, our success,etc. Never stopping to look WITHIN. What makes you YOU? Because I promise you- your relationship, your children, your work, your success- does NOT make you you.

I remember my moms therapist many many years ago asked her- “Who are you?” That question struck me the other day when reflecting on my year. I thought- I literally couldn’t have answered this a year ago. Call it what you want, maybe lost, searching, seeking. Fair enough, I was- or maybe I wasn’t? I was going through life running! Never stopping to look within. I SHOULD have been searching and seeking! I think a lot of us do this as well. They are running from life and don’t even realize it. We are lost if we don’t truly know who we are INSIDE. Who we were created to be and what we were created for.

I think it’s really, really easy- to be lost in this world, actually. We aren’t taught to ever find out who we are inside. We are taught to what? You know it yourself. Grow up, be a good person, do good in school, get a good education, go to college, get a good job, marry someone, have a family, get a house. La dee freakin da. These things are absolutely beautiful- and they are WONDERFUL purposes and plans and should be thought about. But what about our souls?!?! Why were we never taught that as GROWING through this journey of life that as you strive to pursue these things- you will encounter good times, you will encounter bad times, you will encounter people that are not good for you, you will encounter people that are good for you, you will have emotions about things– you will have bad emotions, you will have good emotions- they are ALL okay and normal, you will fail, you will rise back up again, through this journey of life, the ups the downs, the sorrows the joys, the mistakes and the growth, this makes you WHO you are. You learn through these experiences the things you love, the things you don’t love, the things you need, the things you don’t need, the things you desire, the things you don’t desire, you learn your boundaries. You learn your authenticity. The person you were meant to be, the real and true version of yourself. We need to stop running from life, and putting our identity in THINGS, and start STOPPING in these THINGS and DISCOVER our identity in these THINGS. In the things we love, in the things that fill us up, in our desires. If not, we will NEVER know who we truly are.

I read this book Wild at Heart, it’s the men’s version of Captivating (the last book I talked about on my blog). Her husband wrote this one- and there’s a quote in there by Howard Thurman and it says: “Dont ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes YOU come alive, and go and do that, because what the world needs is people who come alive.” How awfully sad and true this is. I know it first hand. I didn’t know who I was. I put my identity in THINGS. I really didn’t even know what made me come alive! In the creature, rather than the creator. But now I can gladly answer my own question who are you?

I am Megi. I am a child of God. I was wonderfully created in the image and likeness of Jesus Christ. I am perfectly imperfect, but I try everyday to work on my imperfections. I have been gifted with the gift of a loving heart who loves people, loves meeting people, loves being around people, loves helping and serving people. I was created to do that in whatever form or fashion God calls me to do it. I love wasting time with people I love. Doing nothing, doing everything. I love good and meaningful conversations. I love people who are intentional, and I love being intentional. I love working out, eating clean and taking care of my body. I love fashion. I love coffee in the mornings. On a patio, on a porch, on a balcony. ESP on a crisp, weather morning. Ey yi yi. I LOVE outdoors. Anything outdoors. I love water. In a lake, in a pool, in a beach. I love looking at and being in the water. I love boat riding. I love trying new things. New beers, new foods, new restaraunts, new places. I love festivals. I love beer. I love music. ESP country music. Make ya wanna slap ya momma (don’t really do that- ever actually). I love traveling and touring the world. I love learning. I love history- I am intrigued by learning other cultures and the way they live. I love taking care of people. I love children, and I love elderly people. I love people who are full of love and joy. I love experiencing the birth of a newborn baby. I love the thought that I will get to experience that with my own child one day. I love the adventure that life is. I love adventure. I love sweet and salty mixes. I love white chocolate. I love Starbucks coffee. Lattes. Any kind, any flavor. Holler at ya girl. I love pecan pancakes from Cracker Barrel, and I love even more the fact that my mom orders them “as appetizers” whenever we go for breakfast there. I love my family more than anything in this world, literally, besides Jesus, of course. I didn’t choose them, but I would choose them over and over again if I could. I didn’t realize the true value of family and took them for granted up until now. I love Jesus. I love who is, what he does, and his UN-ENDING love. I love sharing him. I love talking about him. I love seeing him work. I love being his hands and feet. I have learned to love boundaries. I have learned to love knowing what I need, and what I don’t need. What I like, and what I don’t like. The truth and the lies. I desire holiness, I desire marriage, I desire true love in marriage, I desire children, I desire my husband and children to desire holiness, I desire to live the life God created me to live and to enjoy every step of the way, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I desire to find joy in every situation, and even when I can’t- know that God still has a purpose in the non-joy. I desire to be ALIVE, always, and I desire to LIVE LOVED, and I desire to LIVE IN LOVE. I desire to get to Heaven, and in hopes that I do, God can look at me the same way he looked at his son and say, “Well done, my good and faithful servant”. That’s who I am. Megi, the person God created her to be for all she is: the good, the bad, the ugly.

So WHO ARE YOU? If you can’t answer this whole heartedly, quickly, confidently and without thought- you should start digging down deep within and seek to find out who you truly, truly are: the good, the bad, the ugly, the likes, the dislikes, the needs, the dont needs, the boundaries, the truth, and the lies… because on the other side: freedom, redemption, truth, wholeness, love, peace and joy is waiting for you, with STRAIGHT UP open arms. As always, Thank you all for journeying with me!!

Ps. The same Jesus that wrecked my life, wants to wreck yours too 😉

Peace, love, and Godly juice,



I have been gone from my mission post for a month now (First to Italy — which he boldly invited me to (you can see the point in this later) and to the Philippines (our summit/retreat for missionaries– which is the whole reason why we were leaving our mission post in the first place) and while I was gone, the Lord did SO much, as he has BEEN doing since arriving here in Africa. I sometimes can’t fathom how GOOD he is to me! But I came back with this new sense of freedom. I just felt so FREE and I couldn’t pinpoint what happen to me or why. God is way too good for words and knows what he is doing. All. The. Time.

This blog post could have had so many titles because literally so much has happen in my heart but I think the main points to make are: CLARITY BRINGS HEALING, WOUNDS MANIFEST OUR LIFE IF WE DO NOT DEAL WITH THEM, AND ALL OF THIS CAN BE REDEEMED THROUGH PRAYER= This is ALL DONE only through Jesus!

There is an immense POWER IN PRAYER which produces what I like to call “lightbulbs”. It is this revelation (lightbulbs) that comes from the Lord, and you know it comes from the Lord when you are deep in prayer. You know, and I’ve been reflecting as God is doing so much in my heart this year but how before I knew the Lord “prayer” was weird to me.. Or I didn’t really get anything out of it. Or I really didn’t “pray”, actually. Okay yeah , I would say my Hail Marys and then my our father and maybe throw out all the things I NEEDED from him. Whoah, how that was not praying. It’s a start, and praise the Lord that I was trying. Mother Teresa did say something like “the only way to pray is just to pray”, haha. So I guess I had to start somewhere. But MAN! What praying can really do for you is INCREDIBLE. Kinda like on my other blog about us not having to say the word Jesus if it makes you uncomfortable, but just living like him… it’s the same for praying. Let’s not say the word “prayer” or “prayer time” for now if it’s uncomfortable or weird to you– Let’s call it self-reflection: an examination of conscious/feelings/emotions, analyzing and going deeper into your conscious/feelings/emotions and then bringing it to the Lord, aligning it with HIS truth, and then LISTENING to what he’s saying. That’s prayer. And that’s the prayer that changes you! So go on and try that “self reflection” .. And WATCH what happens!

Sorry for the rant (Jesus made me do it, ha). I just love people and would love to see everyone happy and I feel like I got the keys to the city! I had read somewhere that holding back Jesus is like having the cure to cancer and not telling anyone! It’s the truth! There is an answer to true happiness and it is FREELY given to us– we just have to accept it. Anyways- back to where you were going going Megi. So yeah, I didn’t really know or care to know for that matter why I felt so FREE, I was just soaking up the freedom that I felt. Until: LIGHTBULBS. I was beginning to have my prayer time and I flipped open to my journal (dude, also- journaling-you should try it-powerful, k. I quit.) I usually have a string attached to my journal so I just flip to the page that’s blank and start writing.. Well in traveling it was in my backpack and the string broke so I have to now go and find my blank page where I had left off. As I flipped, I was brought to the page and the first sentence I read said- “How that’s my ideal life” .. So as I read the sentence before it said “While I’m here in Italy it reminds me of home and how I long to be in love, to share with someone in this beautiful adventure called life. To have a family and love Jesus and share him and bring my children to be holy (good and righteous) men and women. It instantly made me cry. Also- I’m a cryer these days (Jesus made me do it, ha). As I’ve said in my last blog, as I’ve been journeying and walking with the Lord since being here in Africa- he has been working on ONE MAIN THING: the DESIRES of my heart. The SECRET to my heart remember, NOT NO SECRET NO MO, obvi ha! (if you Read my last blog you’ll get it— haha okay I’ll quit with the jokes). Back again Megi- so in coming to the truth of my desires– he used RELATIONSHIPS (I don’t mean just romantic relationships- relationships in general as in friendships, or romantic relationships) with people in the past and then also sent me new people in missions to have relationships with. Bare with me now, hold on tight if you can- it gets a little cray cray. So here we are: He has revealed to me much about “unhealthy attachments” with people in my life thus far. But how beautiful and good he is- he sent me people in missions to have healthy, and unhealthy relationships with to un-tangle the difference between the 2. These unhealthy attachments is where my “dis-ordered-ness” came from. The unhealthy attachments , which in turn caused wrong perception (dis-ordered)of what “love” was caused a block in my heart to really understand what true love was, and the “true love” was really what I was seeking, not the dis-ordered love. So for so long, I clinged and believed that the dis-ordered version of love is what love is. So here I am- he has revealed to me, the truth about real, true love, and as I’m journeying and processing through it I grasp THIS IS WHAT I DESIRE, and have desired since I was a little girl. Lightbulbs: The true love the way God created love to be! But here comes the power of prayer through ONLY letting Jesus speak to you : I’ve been un-tangled of the dis-ordered vision of love and shown the truth of love and know in the core of my heart, THATS what I desire. Love the way God created it to be. As I’ve said in my last blog, I KNEW it was what I wanted- but in all-knowing God, I felt invited to really pray a little deeper- why did I have this desire? Was it because the world, or my family wanted this lifestyle for me? Or was it because I, Megi, in all my being truly desired this? And if I did truly desire this for the RIGHT reasons, Is this what God desired for me too?

THE POWER OF PRAYER. This has been me processing and praying through for some time now. That month that I was gone God used a lot of different things to answer these prayers. I felt free because I had answered prayers: The confidence and peace I felt after praying, processing, and working through this for some time now was SO clear. It was what I wanted, because in the center of Megi’s heart that’s what she truly wanted,and most importantly, God wanted that for me too. Can you say freedom?!?!

LIGHTBULBS again. Let’s go back to that time of journaling- after reading the sentences and it causing me to to cry- it was CONFIRMATION again of course, that the freedom, clarity, and confidence I came back feeling was true, but bigger than that, there was healing in the clarity. You see, God had invited me to pray about why did I desire this? And he always knows exactly what he’s doing. All. The. Time. Because I had a wound in that statement. Do YOU desire that, or are you desiring that because PEOPLE desire that for you?

WOUNDS MANIFEST OUR LIFE IF WE DO NOT DEAL WITH THEM. In the past, I would very much get triggered if anyone, esp my family– more so my mom and sister (they know how much I love them), would say anything along the lines of marriage, or bring up my ex boyfriend, or anything that SEEMED like they were possibly forcing me to live this “normal” lifestyle. Even though I knew in my heart I knew they were just happy for me, it would make me feel like they were trying to get me to live the way THEY wanted me to, or they were trying to tell me how I felt. When I “came out”, I was very conflicted… It was the first time I thought I had felt “love”. But my family, more so my sister and mom (because we had the closest relationships), was doing only what they knew best out of LOVE and was trying to save me. Not because they didn’t want me to live a homosexual lifestyle, but because they loved me. I don’t have to go into detail, but in them trying to save me and the trauma it caused- a wound was formed. PEOPLE WANT ME TO LIVE THIS “NORMAL” LIFESTYLE. But at the time- I had experienced “love”. Conflicted much? What is an 18 year old girl to do the first time she experienced what she “thought” and felt was love? She’s gonna follow that. And I did. For a whole 10 years. This one little wound manifested the rest of my life

As I was saying earlier, over the years, I formed this very dis-ordered vision of love and truly believed that was love. These “feelings” that came from these unhealthy attachments of dis-ordered love is what love is, so I believed. I couldn’t, or didn’t want to hold on to “true love” because I was manipulated by these exotic, dis-ordered “feelings” of love. I believed 100% that I was gay and that’s just who I was, and I was looking for approval of living that lifestyle all because of this dis-ordered version of love that I had accepted was love. I couldn’t shake it. I would make comments when I finally did have a boyfriend like “you see why I was with girls” out of resentment, and approval of trying to make someone understand me that I HAD a reason of why I was with girls. I had built up resentment and rebellion towards people that would try and tell me how to live, or what I was feeling, or how I should feel. I felt like people were trying to “change me” into something I was not! But you see- it was absolutely NOTHING to do with them, and ALL to do with me. It was so much deeper than I even realized. I had resentment, I had rebellion, I had approval seeking against MY OWN SELF. I was resenting my own self for living that way, I was rebelling against my own heart, and I was trying to win the approval of my own heart to be able to live that life, because that’s just who I was! That was not who I was, or what I truly wanted, nor was it what God wanted for me!

The CLARITY itself of knowing the life I want for myself, and the life that God wants for me has brought so much healing to my heart, within my own self and even for others around me. Healing can go such a long way. Healing took me to to grieving. I had to grieve living that lifestyle for 10 years. First, that I did that to the one who loves me more than anyone else in this world. And then secondly that I did that to myself: not in a way of regret, but in a way of knowing that I could have missed out on the fulfilled life that God has planned for me. I know that’s just my story and God is using it for the good, ALL for the glory of him. Through this hope, I have forgiven myself for living it for 10 years. I also no longer think ANYTHING when my mom or sister, or people for that matter, say anything about my life, because I no longer FEEL like they are “forcing” me to live this “normal” lifestyle, because it’s not them telling me to live this kind of lifestyle (which they never were), but it’s ME, in my own heart desiring these things. It is absolutely unfathomable what God can do when we just say yes.

God had to reveal ALL these things to me, un-tangle them, and take me back to the truth of it all. I know you all are probably wondering but what does this have to do with being with men or women. Your right, I could have easily formed a dis-ordered vision of love even if I had only been with men. It just so happen that my 2 relationships with women ended up being the dis-ordered vision of love and my relationship with a man was an ordered-vision of love, which is no coincidence to me. God knows what he’s doing. The Lord is still doing a lot in this, and working out another wound with my perception of men- so please continue to pray for me, as I continue to pray for you.

You see God knows us better than we know ourselves.. He knew why he invited me to pray the way he invited me to pray. He knew why he invited me to Italy. He knew why he sent me different forms of relationships over the past years. He knew why he called me to missions. He knows what he’s doing. All. The. Time.

When we were at the Asia summit, every mission post team got up and said “glory stories” which is multiple stories of how we saw God move in our mission post, etc. … One of the missionary families, the mom of the family (so cute ps), said that Joseph (our director of FMC) had asked before going into missions, “if God sent you to the end of the earth for just one person would you go?” She wanted to be like “uhh, no is what she said, haha.” And then she discussed about how now, their family has never had a better foundation , they pray together, they love better, they are all becoming who God created them to be. She said that she can testify that that one person is her. It couldn’t ring MORE true for me as well. That one person is me. Thank you Lord for giving me life!!!! I forever owe it to you ❤️

Ps this is no disgrace to any one– God sent and used every single person into my life for a reason, nor is this no disgrace to people who live a homosexual lifestyle– if anyone has understanding, compassion, and unconditional love for that lifestyle it would be me– this is just my story and what God did for my life!

Stasi Eldredge from the book “Captivating”— “your heart matters more than anything else in all creation. The desires you had as a little girl and the longings you still feel as a woman are telling you of the life God created you to live. He offers to come now as the hero of your story, to rescue your heart and release to you to live as a fully alive and feminine woman.”

Peace, love, and Godly juice,

Self Discovery 101 

Man. Where do I begin? I feel like that is so cliche’ to say.. But it’s really how I feel. God has been doing SO many incredible, hard, but incredible things in my heart that it’s hard to know where to start. All I know is that he is GOOD … How Lysa Terkeurst says that, “He is good at being God”. And boy is he. You want to be healed? Jesus. You want to see all your wounds you gained in life? Jesus. You want to see why you react certain ways you do (that you don’t even desire)? Jesus. You want to find freedom? Jesus. You want to know who you truly are? Jesus. You want to live life at its fullest? Jesus. Want to know the SECRET to your heart? Jesus.

This is what God has been doing in my heart, thus far. I think the main thing is that he’s un-tangling my “junk” and showing me the true desires of my heart, that has been so long covered up by THINGS… By sin, by life, by my own human-ness, etc. My one-on-one and FMC community say “your like an onion .. And he’s just peeling off layer by layer. I just love that. It’s the truth! That’s what he’s been doing. It has been a beautiful 3 month ride for my personal life, to say the least.

Back when I first got to Africa, I was reading the book called “Desire” (it seems to be that he has been working on this specific thing as this word comes up ALL the time- it’s funny how he works- he even made me pick up this book before I even got to Africa-literally the day we left for Houston to catch our flight to go to Africa we stopped at the alumni missionaries classroom on the way and he had a book shelf and this book just jumped out at me, God has a funny way of doing things). Anyways, in the book someone had asked Mother Teresa how to be healed… And she responded ” spend one hour a day in adoration with Jesus and you’ll be fine”. How beautiful! And what truth this is. I think about the counseling I went to in my life or even advice for that matter from other people, or even just the journey of life without Jesus .. and although counseling, and peoples with trustworthy advice, or just maturing as you journey through life was all great insight … But it did not take me to the DEPTHS of my heart the way just sitting with the Lord for an hour everyday does … There is something about your heart just being fully exposed to God, away from the noise, distractions, temptations of this world… I believe you can not get any kind of inner healing any other way.

One day during what we call “Desert Day”( a day where you just go in the desert as Jesus did, and just sit and be with him for a good 2 hours or so and just get filled up with him by prayer, reading scripture, etc.) … I was finishing up with reading this book. This particular day I was reading the chapter that had the story of the paraplegic outside of Bethesda in the Bible (Ps a paraplegic is having paralysis of both lower limbs, if y’all didn’t know bc I didn’t either haha– he couldn’t walk, okay.) Every morning the paraplegic would get dropped off by someone in his family and picked up again at the end of the day. People would walk by him all day long and never talk to him, until one day there was this voice he heard asking him if he wanted to get well? “Do you want to get well?” “What is it that you want?”, Jesus had asked. Well what kind of question was this… Of course he had wanted to get well. John Eldredge (the author) explains Jesus’s reason for his asking when it should be a question that was already answered, or known: Jesus knew the answer, of course… But did he? The paraplegic had been sitting there for years, in his own brokenness, losing hope over time … And as the years rolled on he lost the vital connection to what he truly wanted. He had been so covered up by his wounds that he had abandoned his desire. But Jesus did something there: by asking him what he wanted- he took this man back into his desire… Back into the secret of his own heart.

BACK INTO THE SECRET OF HIS OWN HEART. That line in the book hit me like a ton of bricks. God was speaking to me through this book so clearly, and this begin the journey of my self-discovery walk he has me on.

Can I just tell y’all something? WE ARE ALL BROKEN. It’s facts. Since the fall of man, since way back when to Adam and Eve in the garden. But what happen first? God created the world and he created it not even good, but very good. They were in paradise.. Adam and Eve had nothing but love, they had no shame, they were naked for heavens sake and were not shameful lol, they had no guilt, no worry, no stress, no anger, no envy, no jealousy, no pride, etc. they were pure in heart and absolutely in paradise. But then.. they were tempted by the devil, not just with bad things either– with good things… Things that are pleasing to the eyes.. And they gave in. They sinned. And boom, the fall of all human race still lives in sin to this day. Does this not sound familiar? I know it does for me.

I grew up as a child innocent, pure in heart, like we all do ..But as I grew older and was mature enough to start making my own decisions … My heart was no longer what was guiding me… Ways of the world were. Wounds happen, and the easy fix to it all is exactly what the devil tempts us with: things that are pleasing to the eyes that never bring us the satisfaction we are looking for. To make a short story long, as many as you may know, I was living a life of sin. I don’t regret it or can’t say I wasn’t happy… It was just not the life I was destined for. I could have gotten by and lived and okay life, but it wasn’t the fulfilled life I have now. I used to actually be mad at God for my sin, because he had convicted me that the life I was living was a sin, but why was it a sin? Because I love a woman, that’s a sin? I thought God was a God of love! I now know that it wasn’t God punishing me because I was living a life of sin, he isn’t a punisher- he is love. But the sin itself was punishing me … It was scarring my soul. And because of this.. I formed so much junk piled up around my heart that just like the paraplegic; I had lost sight of my true desires of my own heart.

While I was here in Africa, the birth of my godson took place. I, of course, knew I was going to be sad. First off because I had to miss that special moment of seeing my very first godson being born, and second off because I could not be there for my best friend on such a special day. I know it sounds bad because marriage is a sacrament, but to me, that’s a bigger day than your wedding day. However, the kind of sadness I felt I was NOT expecting. I cried the hardest cry I have cried in a very long time, and I coudnt hold it in. It wouldn’t stop. I knew that of course, yes I should be sad, but it wasn’t even my own baby for crying out loud (literally, haha see what I did there- I still got jokes) .. Anywayssssss. I just felt really invited to take what I was feeling to prayer and see what was behind that crazy-ness cry. God revealed to me in this midst of all this that I was SO sad and I was grieving the fact that I had almost missed out on this kind of BLESSING (I still can’t really fathom having a child of my own because it’s so overwhelming to me I just cry lol) .. that I would have given up ever having a child of my own because I had believed for so long that the life I was living was who I just was. And so I would have sacrificed being able to give birth to a child of my own for what I thought was my identity. All in the same time of my sadness I had this huge feeling of gratefulness … I just had an unbelievably feeling of thankfulness that God decided to pull me out of that lifestyle, and into the life HE has planned for me.

There is no doubt in my mind I long for a child of my own, I long for the family life, I long for raising children to be holy men and women, I long for prayer time with my family, I long for a husband that truly seeks and puts God first before everything, even me as his wife, but I do know that God has more work to do within my heart. Just like Jesus had to ask the obvious question to the man to make him look within his own heart so he can heal him, God had to ask me the same thing. He had to ask me what I wanted … He had to bring situations in my life to SHOW me what it is that I truly wanted, he had to bring me here in Africa to be away from distractions, temptations, noise, etc. to heal me of all my wounds and past… He had to fully take me back to the secret of my heart. I still really don’t know Gods plans, and my human-ness WANTS to know them sometimes, but I don’t need to know them- I trust them, and that’s all I know he’s asking me to do.

John 10:10 “A thief comes only to steal and slaughter and destroy; I came so that they might have life and have it more abundantly”

I know I always say this, and in this self discovery process journey I’m on– I am learning this too: TO STOP EXPLAINING MYSELF (can y’all believe it haha) but I want y’all to know- I am in no way trying to act like I got this life figured out. I have much left to learn about this life, and I believe we never stop learning! I am simply just being obedient to the Lord as he invited me to blog about my personal life……. It’s like that quote: “I’m just a beggar trying to tell another beggar where to find bread”

Please continue to pray for me as I continue to pray for you! Thank you all so much for journeying with me!

Peace, love, and Godly juice,



PS YALL- If you are on my mailing list, this blog post is actually my 2nd newsletter I sent y’all in the mail. I wanted to put it as a blog post for those that aren’t on my mailing list, but keep up with my blog. However, the Lord has invited me to strongly share more of what’s going on in my own personal life through blogging, and my newsletter’s be more of what’s going on in the mission here, with a little tidbits of my personal life as well. I am in the process of working on a new blog post dealing with all the INCREDIBLE things that God has been doing in my heart, so I’ll post that once he lets me wrap that up, haha. Also, if y’all want to be added to my mailing list please feel free to let me know! Thank y’all all again for journeying, and may God bless you all!

Well guys, I made it to Tanzania, Africa safe and sound. The first day we flew into Kenya, Africa.. Which is about 5 hours from where we are staying. The city where our new home is called Arusha, Tanzania, ps. As soon as I got off the plane there was about 5 Africans standing by the bathroom that I was fixing to walk into- all with the BIGGEST, WELCOMING smiles I have ever seen. It was in that moment I couldn’t help but say to them “I just love y’all” .. Whether or not they spoke English and understood what I said- they had again the biggest grins I ever did see in my life. I can’t begin to tell you both then in Kenya, and here in Arusha, how HAPPY and WELCOMING these people are. It never fails that everytime we meet someone, all you can see is white teeth screaming JOY and HAPPINESS, and then we get a preceded introduction of themselves, with the words murmuring “Karibu” (which sounds like Ka-Dee-boo).. Meaning “welcome”, “we welcome you”. These people are SO happy for us to be 3 white girls wanting to join in their country, their culture, and their language. Which only makes me reminded yet again, how we are ALL brothers and sisters in this together! What a beautiful gift! And if he didn’t already reveal that to me in the past few years, God wanted me to know again and he made it very clear in my time here thus far! Just the other day I was walking back from Mass, and a guy about my age was walking as well, my first impression of him was he seemed very gangster-ish, which being new to the area, I was reluctant to be all in (excuse my judging).. But he had on a beaded wooden rosary neckalace that was really beautiful to me which compelled me to compliment him on it which he instantly responded, ” We are together sister”. ExA #1. I’m pickin up what you putting down Jesus. We often walk, probably just about everyday to go get veggies or fruit or peppers to cook with. Remember: life is different here so they have little tents, like you would find at a farmers market, or outside of Whole Foods, with people in them doing what they do for a living selling fresh veggies, fruits, spices, etc., everything that they picked from their farm/garden … So one of my new friends, Nagoose(not sure if that’s how you spell it but that’s how it’s pronounced, haha) was doing what he does everyday, sitting in his tent waiting for the next person to come and buy whatever was needed to buy. It was about the 2nd or 3rd time I had went get veggies from him. I had just got done from a run and my chain (that consists of 3 charms: a crucifix, the divine trinity charm, and a miraculous medal) was hanging out my shirt. Nagoose asked “Are you Roman Catholic sister?” Which I responded Yes, what about you? He began to tell me about his religion that I didn’t quite understand, but I just listened. At the end, with his big grin showing only teeth, he said “Love is everything”, except his was a little different because his teeth was discolored what seemed to be from living in poverty and not having access to brush his teeth the way he needed to. His smile wasn’t nearly as white as those 5 Africans in the airport, but yet was so much more beautiful to me. Ex A.2: Love really is all that matters!

We have been settled in to Tanzania for almost 2 weeks now, and it being a brand new mission post, with us 3 girls personalities of “hit the ground running”, “we have to be productive”, “we have to go serve the people now and start ministries, etc.”, the Lord has really made it clear to all 3 of us that the mission right now is us and the work Jesus wants to do in our personal lives, and within that- each day to just be the living witness here. After much team meetings and prayers discussing this matter of being the living witness here for now until God takes off with the mission, I got the passage from Mark 1:40-44 the other day which read “A leper came to him (and kneeling down) begged him and said, “If you wish, you can make me clean.” Moved with pity, he stretched out his hand, touched him, and said to him, “I do will it. Be made clean.” The leprosy left him immediately, and he was made clean. Then, warning him sternly, he dismissed at once. Then he said to him, “See that you tell no one anything, but go, show yourself to the priest and offer for your cleansing what Moses prescribed; that will be proof for them.” Insert CAPS LOCK there please. That last part “that will be proof for them” struck me. I just thought about how Jesus didn’t even want this man cured of leprosy to go tell anyone what he had done. When he could have so easily went to all the people and started talking about all he could do for the people. He didn’t need to go preach quite yet: He wanted the people to have blind faith. And so it just confirmed in my heart that us just being the living example daily is what the Lord is asking of us. That a witness is more than words for these people of Africa for the time being.

Of course, he is slowly opening doors and giving us opportunities to go explore for ministries, but in that he is asking us to just be still, spend time with him, and he will take care of the mission that he has in mind. Not only is he doing that for our mission as a whole, but he has given me the grace to see that individually for myself as well, and to truly accept that. The very first morning of morning prayer (it usually consists of 3 different psalms and 2 prayers) we had in our new home together as a team, the very first psalm was talking about how we should give thanks and make music to his name and to proclaim his love in the morning. I know some of you know whenever I got the call to missions it was on my mission trip during the song “Oceans” by Hillsong, which my teammate just so happen to play that morning to open up Morning Prayer. So I was already having a special moment before even reading the first psalm. The next psalm stated ” I will take you away from among the nations, gather you from all the foreign lands, and bring you back to your own land. I will sprinkle clean water upon you, to cleanse you from all your impurities, and from all your idols I will cleanse you. I will give you a new heart, and place a new spirit within you… “. I know the Lord was speaking to me that morning. I couldn’t help but let the tears fall from my eyes to think that he loves me that much to take me away from my land (comfort zone) and give me this new life. Give me a new heart and to clean me of all the “junk” I have, that I didn’t even know I had- but he did. It’s no irony that it was our very first morning that this happen. He wanted me to feel his love, and trust in his plan for the year, which is no surprise that this mission so far has been about me personally, and us personally, yet him still taking care of the other part of the mission for the people.

I never realized how much in my life that I never took the time to look within my own heart. I think being the culture we live in, and it’s no ones fault, it’s the way we live, but as Americans, the society we live in doesn’t give us a chance to just SLOW DOWN and be still. We are distracted from our busy lifestyles. We go to work 8-5 we come home and prepare supper for our families by the time supper is over its time to bathe and then it’s bedtime.. To wake up the next day and do the same thing. On the weekends, when it’s finally time off, we have an event going on or some festivity going on then boom- it’s Monday already, and time to start the same thing over again. I think it’s a beautiful thing and it’s needed because it’s what makes our world go round. But I think sometimes because of this fast-paced society- we miss the big picture. What is the rush for? I’m speaking from my own experience- I would work and couldn’t focus on the task at hand because I was thinking about what I had to get done at home when I got home before I went to the next place. And then when I finally went to the place I was worried about being there too long in order to get home at a decent time to get enough rest for the next day at work because I didn’t finish everything I needed to do the day before. So when it was all said and done and the race was finally over when I finally shut my eyes at night, the only thing between sleep and the next morning, was a wake up. And then the next morning I was doing the same ole thing. And it was a repeating cycle everyday. I can imagine If I would have children, and I so often see it now, And trust me- I GET IT… But I would have been rushing home after work to get my children fed, to be able to do homework and eat supper in order to have them to bed at their bedtime. And then the repeating cycle the next day. I think that we are in such a race to get to the finish line as you could call it that we miss the present. And how precious we can make our moments if we just were present in the moments! I think about the people here in Africa, and how they just live so simple. Day by day, moment by moment, whatever it brings. I see them just having the things they need, which in turn doesn’t make them rely on all the materialistic things for their happiness. I see their faces light up as soon as they get to interact with another person, instead of being in such a rush to get to the next thing. They don’t have much, but they have everything. They have Jesus, they have each other, and they have hearts full of love ready to give.

I can only hope that I can live like these people wherever it may be. And I can only hope that I can keep this as a reminder in my head to just be still, and be present! I feel SO extremely blessed that God chose me to bring me out my own land to another land to get out from myself, and pour into others, and through that he’s growing me and healing me to show me the true meaning of life. Thank you for your generosity, and thank you for journeying with me. You guys are truly always in my prayers. Much love always!

With my whole heart,


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